A Ways Away From Normal
by AznSage
Summary: If Goku were ever to have parents, Sanzo had better hope that they weren't Hakkai and Gojyo. Post-GensouMaden. [SanzoGokuSanzo, HakkaiGojyo, DokuKou]


  
Title: A Ways Away From Normal   
Author: AznSage   
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.   
Pairings: Goku+Sanzo/Sanzo+Goku, Hakkai+Gojyo, Dokugakuji+Kougaiji   
Rating: PG-13   
Note: It's late at night and stupidity compels me to write this. Yes, there's crossdressing. Yes, there's Hakkai being evil while smiling. Yes, there's Sanzo agreeing to do stupid things for Goku. Post-GensouMaden. 

"We need to do normal couple things." 

"Don't we do normal couple things?" 

"Whacking me with a fan isn't a 'normal couple thing.'" 

"But sex..." 

"Sex is not the type of normal couple thing I was referring to." 

"Oh, then what *is* a normal thing?" 

"I don't know...a date maybe?" 

"I've taken you out on dates." 

"Having lunch while we're on a mission is not a date." 

"Fine, then what else?" 

"Um...public displays of affection?" 

"I can grope you when I want to?" 

"No. I...never mind." 

"Then what?" 

"Mm...I guess normal couples go visit the other's parents." 

"But I don't have parents. Unless you wanna deal with those idiotic monks." 

"Ugh...no thank you." He thought for a moment. "I know! Let's get Hakkai and Gojyo! I'm sure they'd love to help!" 

Sanzo gave Goku the oddest look of curiousity at this suggestion. "Are you *sure* that's a good idea?" 

"Of course!" 

"Oh dear Gods, that stupid kappa is never gonna let me live this down..." 

Despite Sanzo's comment, Goku dressed quickly and bounded off to Hakkai and Gojyo's place to ask them for the strange favor. 

***

"Sure, we'd love to." 

"Great!" Goku smiled charmingly at Hakkai as he sipped his tea. "When do you guys have some free time to do this? Tomorrow would be great for us." 

"I'll have to ask Gojyo. Excuse me for a moment." He placed his cup carefully on the coaster in front of him and stood to leave the room and find the aforementioned kappa, only to see that the other had just stepped out into the sitting room. 

"Oh, hey, saru. What are you doing here?" 

"He's asking for a favor. I said we'd help him." 

Gojyo creased his eyebrows oddly at that. Goku never asked for favors. Unless it had to do with cleaning out the contents of his wallet by way of food shopping. Or buying strange things for Sanzo. Either was...unpleasant to think about. "Oh...what *kind* of favor?" 

"He wants us to act as his parents for Sanzo." Hakkai supplied helpfully. "They want to do a normal couple thing. How's tomorrow sound?" 

Gojyo blinked. He most certainly did not know what to say to that. So he just blinked again. 

"Gojyo dear, it's impolite to leave your mouth hanging open." 

"But you promised, Hakkai! Gojyo can't make you back out of it now! You promised me!" 

"Saa...Goku's right. So we can't just let him down." Gojyo didn't seem convinced though. "And no sex for a month if you don't agree." Goku decided not to ask. 

Reluctantly, Gojyo agreed. "Fine, I'll agree to it. If I get to tease the bouzu about it afterwards without any potential harm to myself." 

Goku nodded cheerfully. "I'll be sure to mention that to him." He peeked at the clock in their living room and gasped at the time. "I really need to go, but thanks for doing this. Sanzo should be about done with his day's teachings about now, so I need to get back." 

"Sure thing." Hakkai smiled amicably at Goku as he bounced up from his seat. The pair escorted their 'child' to the door and bade him goodbye before settling back down in the living room again. 

"So how exactly are we pulling this off again, Hakkai?" 

"Well, to fit the roles exactly, one of us would have to be the mother." 

"If this involves being a woman and crossdressing, then I'm not doing it." 

"Oh Gojyo, you know that it would have to do with being a woman and crossdressing. Besides, you have the hair for it. And you've been around more women than I have." 

"If you want Goku to have a mother that's a skank that hangs around a pub all day and curses, drinks, and has sex with every pretty thing, then I don't suggest myself for the job." 

"But the only woman I've had contact with was my sister. Who committed suicide." 

"Oh, and my mother. Who as insane and tried to kill me if you haven't forgotten already." 

"Oh and a nun. That's about it really." 

The two stared at each other. 

"I don't think those are good choices to draw from." 

"How about a game of cards to settle it, Gojyo?" 

Gojyo blanched. But he had no room to argue. It seems that he should already start picking out what color dress went best with his hair and eye color. 

***

So the next afternoon involved shopping for food and clothes. The store owners all gave the 'nice young man' strange looks as he asked them politely for dresses that fit his dear Gojyo, who everyone knew was the village flirt. It didn't help that they knew that Gojyo was Hakkai's, their imaginations thus amply filling the strangeness that would ensue from the words "He needs a dress." The dress shopping went by fairly quickly, if you considered four hours of Hakkai saying the dress didn't show enough leg 'quick.' Gojyo was beginning to wonder if Hakkai had other ideas for after this ordeal was over. Gojyo also became very clear that there were 'other ideas' present when Hakkai had decided to buy him a very weird pink, frilly apron that said "Kiss the Cook" in large loopy letters. 

The food shopping went by relatively quicker than the clothes shopping. Years of travel with the other two served well in providing information of what Goku and Sanzo liked to eat. It was the carrying of the food back to their humble abode that stalled them. 

When they finally got back to their place, arms full of purchases, Hakkai had thought it would be a good idea to teach Gojyo how to cook so that the effect of the evening was at its fullest. It would seem odd to Sanzo if Gojyo, the supposed wife and homemaker, to not have cooked the meal. 

Of course, he had forgotten that Gojyo was a disaster in the kitchen. 

But Hakkai couldn't worry about that. Goku was to be expected at any minute now and Gojyo was to cook something that was edible and not burnt for their planned an half hour after Goku's arrival. 

The sound of the doorbell made Hakkai jump and he paused from his previous worries to get it. He was greeted by the smiling face of Goku, and Goku only, which made him worry characteristically about the whereabouts of Sanzo. 

"Erm...Hakkai, it seems that Hakuryuu is very much so into acting the part of family pet." Goku pointed to the scene that ensued behind him, smile still plastered on his face, as he did find this quite amusing. 

And there Sanzo was, struggling against a once-loyal steed and flailing every which way to try and get the creature off him. Prying him off had not worked, it only served to make the dragon rip off a part of his shirt and then bit him again. And he was not supposed to shoot it because normal couples were supposed to treat their love's family pet with some semblence of respect. So the struggle continued. 

Hakkai didn't know whether to jump in to save Sanzo or just watch. Eventually, his worry that Hakuryuu might accidentally swallow a piece of the fabric and choke on it made him go out to save the poor, flustered Sanzo from the dragon. 

The four finally walked through the door, though Hakuryuu was still growling at the best of his abilities at Sanzo. Hakkai thought it was kind of amusing since the dragon could only manage it to sound like a screeching 'kyuu' that was more cute than angry-sounding. 

"Dinner's ready!" Gojyo poked his head out at their guests and tried not to look too odd in his apparel. The two just blinked at him oddly. 

"You know, Hakkai, when I asked for this favor, I didn't expect you to take it this far." 

"Goku, you should know that Hakkai never does anything half-assed by now." Sanzo sniffed curiously in the air. "Though, I would be worried about if the food's edible more than anything else." 

Goku nodded. Sanzo, to be honest, was more worried about the "talk to the parents" part that would begin after dinner than anything and was ecstatic that they had somehow avoided the pre-dinner chat. The three went to join Gojyo in the dining room, trying not to gawk at the gawdy dress that he had put on. Hakkai just smiled his strange smile. 

As Gojyo went back into the kitchen to grab the next tray of food, Hakkai went in to join him under the pretense of 'helping' the other. Instead though, there was a need to question him. Which he decided to start off with a nice trapping by the wall, with a nice grope thrown in here and there. Gojyo almost dropped the plate he carrying. 

"Hakkai, what the hell?! I'm trying to serve food here!" 

"The food smells edible." 

"Yes it does." 

"You can't cook that fast." 

"I can dial the phone that fast." 

"Oh?" 

"And the Chinese food place can cook that fast." 

"Oh." 

"Let's just hope they don't notice." 

Hakkai looked at him oddly but decided to leave it at that. 

Dinner passed by with not much of a problem. Besides the fact that Hakuryuu bit Sanzo on one of the toes of his sandals and caused him to jump to almost the ceiling, the time passed uneventfully. The conversation had been kept at neutral, with only the normal questions like where Sanzo worked and things of the like. They were trying to be parental after all. 

However, now came the time that Sanzo would be calling "torture" for the rest of his life. And it wasn't the pleasant type of torture that occurred in the bedroom. It was actual torture. You could tell it would be with the look that Hakkai had on his face. 

But before Hakkai could even finish the first question, there was a firm knock on the door. Gojyo volunteered to get it, being the good housewife he was. 

Only he would regret doing that. Forever. 

"Uh...Doku-kun, why is your little brother in a dress?" 

"I don't know, because Hakkai-san apparently has kinky tastes?" 

Gojyo called to Hakkai quickly to explain the situation to the pair that had appeared at their door. It just sounded too unbelievably stupid in his head. 

"Oh, Dokugakuji-san! Kougaiji-san! What brings you to our neck of Tougenkyo?" 

Dokugakuji peeled his eyes away from his strange brother, who was currently still reeling from the shock of seeing them at the door, and tried to look at Hakkai without laughing. Sanzo and Goku also showed up to see what was the matter before going to try and get Gojyo to snap out of his glum trance. "Er...Kou and I decided that we were going to get married but we needed a best man and witnesses, so we decided to choose you guys...but it seems that we have come at a bad time?" He tried not to look too amused by it. 

"Ah, it's no problem, Goku just wanted a normal couple thing for him and Sanzo so we were to act as his 'parents' for the evening. And we'd love to help you, I'm sure." He smiled back at the man politely. "Would you like to come in?" 

"Ah...sure." The pair at the came in, Gojyo finally having calmed down from his babbling of embarrassing himself in front of his dear brother and went to the kitchen to fetch their new guests some tea. 

Sanzo now had felt that the evening had dragged on enough. This was starting to become a very abnormal evening and he would not consider it a 'normal couple thing' anymore. He didn't think Goku would either. And if you counted the half-brother of your love's 'mother' showing up randomly with his gay lover normal, well, then, you'd probably be Hakkai. 

Sanzo politely excused himself and told Hakkai that it would be best if they did at another time since it was getting late. Goku didn't seem to have any objections to it. 

It was probably because at this point, Dokugakuji had asked where Hakkai had looked to buy dresses for those of tall, lean build with red hair. 

***

The two got back to the temple fairly late. The monks were all mostly asleep by now so there was no flourish to greet the great Sanzo Houshi-sama as he returned. 

"You know we're gonna have to redo that some time." 

"What?!" Now that comment had been unexpected for Sanzo. He loathed to even think about having to do that again. He had been lucky this time that he had avoided Hakkai's questioning, but there was no telling if he would on a 'next time.' 

"It wasn't exactly normally. And I don't think we did everything Hakkai had planned." 

"That's what I was shooting for." 

"Please Sanzo? Pretty please? With a naked saru on top?"[1] 

Damn the monkey, he knew Sanzo's weak points. 

"Fine." Grudgingly, Sanzo began to strip off his clothing and prepare for bed. 

"Oh and I took this from them." Goku flung something pink and frilly at him. 

"The apron?" 

"Yeah, Gojyo didn't notice I swiped it after he took it off after dinner." 

"Oh dear Gods..." 

But before Sanzo could protest further, Goku had already jumped him and pinned him to the bed. 

-Owari-   
  
I leave the lemons to the experts. If you wanna write a follow-up smut part to this, be my guest. ^^;;   
  
[1] The double entendre is meant to be there. =3 


End file.
